Expectations and Control

Letting go of expectations can mean letting go of control.

Many of us require a sense of control to feel safety while in relationship with others. This can create a mentality that says: “If somebody doesn’t meet my expectations, I will cut them out of my life ✂️ “. This can happen in any type of relationship, not just romantic ones. This type of all or nothing thinking can lead us to prematurely walk away from people without understanding where the disconnect lies due to two unique histories coming together.

Who would you be without your expectations for others? This doesn’t mean not to have standards for how you want to be treated. What it does mean, is taking a long hard look at certain expectations that arise and being honest with yourself about which ones are in place to support self-respect vs self-protection.

If our expectations are so extensive that it is difficult for someone to meet some of them, let alone all of them, then we need to look at the motivation behind those expectations. Are they in place because there is a fear of getting hurt? A fear of intimacy/closeness? Being disappointed? Vulnerable? A self-fulfilling prophecy that you are unlovable? Maybe all of the above.

Expectations are typically created due to past experiences of hurt (and usually for good reason). They can be put in place in an attempt to prevent similar situations from arising again in the future. It is difficult to let go of expectations and let things just be. So when an expectation does arise, it is important to ask ourselves what purpose it serves. Is the expectation something we truly need in order to be in relationship with others? Or is it a way to keep others from getting too close?

The expectations that we have for others can tell us more about ourselves than the person on the receiving end.